It's Halloween night, my friends, 2021, and tonight three friends will delve into an old ritual of demonic proportions.
Performed by Tess Makena, Chris Carwithen, and Matt Musgrove
Additional voices by Andrew Alburger, Jana Arnold, David Janeski, Melodie Taylor-Mauldin, John Mauldin, Stephanie Snider, and Aly Wepplo
Written by Chris Carwithen
Music by Tess Makena
Co-editing by Cherron Arens
Produced by Matt Musgrove
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/EarWyrm)Support the show
Hi Transcript Reader! This is our working final draft of the script. Enjoy some of our inside jokes and lines that didn't make it into the final shoot and edit. Thanks for checking out this EarWyrm bonus!
Take it to the Grave
*It begins. Suddenly. A clavinet. A funky one. The audience moves through the soundscape of a Halloween party underway at the home of Jay Banks, who is in conversation over drinks with his best friend Ozzie Roberts. The time is 11:45pm on Halloween night. Present day.
JAY: No no no no no / dude no NO!
OZZ: What? I've already been here all night and you know I’m not THAT into it!
JAY: Who cares?! You need to love this night just as much as I doooo- Seriously, just stay the rest of the night I mean you obviously can't drive home now anyway. AND I specifically invited her here for you!
OZZ: You- yeah. Thank you and she has effectively ignored me all night.
JAY: She's not ignoring you, she probably just can't figure out what to say to a MAN dressed as a cat for Halloween-
OZZ: Nope. I told you it's not A cat it's Mr. Mistoffelees-
JAY: Oh that makes it better-
OZZ: Yeah I think it kinda does -- do you have any idea how famous Cats IS??
JAY: Do you have any idea how bad that movie WAS??
OZZ: I am not MOVIE Mr. Mistoffelees I am BROADWAY Mr. Mistoffelees.
JAY: ......Dude I-I don't even I can't even... GUYS DON'T DRESS AS A CAT FOR HALLOWEEN!
OZZ: The hell? Says who?
JAY: It's it's it's an unwritten fact you just don't do it, it's only for girls and they're generally supposed to be sexy-
OZZ: What what happened to breaking social norms and- tearing down old notions of gender identity and all that? I thought we lived in 2020?
JAY: Oh we do. And of allll the horrendous things I've witnessed this year you are by far the worst / thing I've ever seen.
OZZ: Okay jus- shut shut shut up my song is on, don't you ruin this for me.
*"Spooky Song" blasts onto the speakers*
JAY: Oooooh yeah 'tis the season. This is what it's all about-
OZZ: Yeahhh this song feels pretty damn good-
JAY: So you'll stay a little longer-
OZZ: Yeahhh I'll stick around-
JAY: Yeeeeesssss...... (Lightbulb idea) ohhh my God, yes-
JAY: Yes, I just thought of som- yes, I got you bud don't you worry, ollll Jay is gonna help you out.
OZZ: Thaat doesn't sound good-
JAY: Gwen! / Gwen! Yeah yeah yeah c'mere c'mere OZZ: And it's probably not good- what're you doing? JAY: I gotcha I gotcha let's do this-
OZZ: Do what??
GWEN: Hey what's up Jay? Ozzie, looking pretty pphhat kitty cat. P-H-A-T of / course. OZZ: No yeah I got it.
GWEN: Is iiiiiiit Mr. Mistoffelees?
OZZ: Helllll yeah! / JAY: Wut.
GWEN: And let me guess: Broadway version not Movie version.
JAY: What the hell is going / on. OZZ: Damn right! How'd you know?
GWEN: Well as far as I can tell the costume doesn't have a butthole. OZZ: (laughs)
JAY: I don't get it.
GWEN: For the movie version there's apparently a cut of the film that was scrapped that showed realistic anuses on all the cats and they called it / The Butthole Cut
OZZ: The Butthole Cut! Yesssss! Freaking ridiculous-
GWEN: So stupid. Ooooooohhhhh my God you have to sing Memory tonight!!!
OZZ: Oh.... oh no... no.. you don’t want to hear me sing GWEN: Um, YES I DO!
OZZ: No, I’d really sound like a dying cat.
JAY: Yeah you're telling me. Alright alright enough of that, both of you come with me let's blow this joint.
*The next is spoken as Jay ushers , going toward the nearby cemetery.
GWEN: Yeah what? Isn't this YOUR joint?
OZZ: Yeah you can't just leave your own party.
JAY: It'll take ten minutes they won't even know we're gone. We're just gonna stop by the cemetery real quick.
OZZ: Ohhh cliche much? / GWEN: Ohhh yyyeessss. OZZ: But not, not overly cliche let's do it!
GWEN: Holy crap look at the moooooon!!! It’s HUGE! What is this, daytime?
OZZ: Ya, it’s awesome.
GWEN: You’re awesome. (Feeling the cold) Wait, uhhhhhhh yeah, I'm gonna grab my jacket real quick. You guys go ahead. I'll catch up.
*The boys are alone momentarily, walking through leaves along the sidewalk
JAY: You’re awesome, Ozz. You’re ozzsome. OZZ: Shut up. So what the hell are we doing?
JAY: I'm getting you a little one-on-one time with ol' Gwenny Paltrow back there. Have a little spooky time, maybe nooky time / then we'll head right back.
OZZ: Dear God.
JAY: I do have to admit man, she does seem pretty perfect for you-
JAY: Oh yeah, (scottish) it's fffearly exciiiting.
OZZ: Oh fffearrrrly I know I mean she knows about the butthole cut!
JAY: Yeah no I mean that that's absolutely not the exciting part but there's definitely other stuff for sure
OZZ: Oh for surrre
JAY: Fffearrrly surrre
JAY: Ffffffffeee- wait wait wait shut up shut up... what is that?
them out of the party and onto the sidewalk
The house music muffles as the door closes getting further away.
JAY: Shhhhhiiiiii- OHMYGOD!! / OZZ: What the ffffff- / GWEN: (Growling with terror and then howling with laughter as she lands in front of them)
*Jay, lover of Halloween is genuinely shocked by this. Ozz, non-lover of Halloween shakes out of it pretty quick and finds Gwen hilarious and adorable. Gwen just fucking loves it.
GWEN: (cackling laughter) Oh yes yes yes yes yes. Oh my God yes. You guys /... that could not have been better. Oh I'm crying, ohhhhh.
JAY: (trying to play it off) Ohhh yeah. / Okay, yep yep yep. Hahaaa, nice one. Fearrrrrly goot. OZZ: (able to shake it off and laugh about it more quickly because it's her) Fffffuuuuunky buttmonkey- holy crap that was good.
GWEN: Thaaaank you!
OZZ: How the hell did you even- I mean did you climb a tree? How did you get ahead of us I mean, what??
GWEN: Halloweeeeen Magiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic... and a bicycle.
JAY: Well, looks like you might actually be able to handle what comes next. Let's go we gotta hurry.
*They continue on together
GWEN: Of course I can handle it, but can YOU..? I mean I can visibly tell you just felt the wrath
of my sweet sweet monster moves, I mean I am the NIGHT!! What are we even doing anyway?
JAY: Ahhhhh “what are we doing”, you say... Well... (slightly sinister) let me tell you...
OZZ: Oh here comes the drama.
JAY: Urban legends say that there is a practice, a ritual that predates the ouija board, that allows one to... summon the dead.
JAY: You're damn right ooh. And the stories say that warriors in feudal Japan used to practice this ritual to summon the strength of the fallen and harness their power to wage war on their enemies. 'Course resurrecting demons doesn't ALWAYS end well, and sounds like any culture that used these methods miiiiiight have been eventually consumed by evil.
above them: a low, rumbling, whispering, growl that immediately intensifies and drops toward them
GWEN: Okay, yeah, consumed by evil, got it. [She opens the gate to the cemetery. Distant crows.] So now that we’re here what do we do? Look into the reflection of a headstone and say Candyman thirty times?
OZZ: No no it's Bloody Mary.
JAY: Ahhh but see that's just it. All of those urban legends and rituals you grew up with are based on this one. This one simple act. And they call it "Taking it to the Grave".
OZZ: Taking it to the grave, sure like like, what like when you've got a secret and you say you'll take it to the grave-
JAY: Exactly! At the stroke of midnight on All Hallows Eve, all you need to do is simply approach the dead, and reveal to them your darkest secret, your deepest truth that you would never tell anyone, the one thing you would take with you to the grave.
OZZ: And what if you don't have a deep dark secret?
JAY: Everyone has a secret-
OZZ: I don't know I'm a pretty open book-
JAY: Shut up yes you do okay who's doing this thing? It's almost midnight... who's gonna go?
GWEN: Well that all sounds nice and stupid let's do it! I'll go!
JAY: Allllllright young Guenivere step right up for the nice, stupid midnight ritual! Go find yourself a pretty little headstone and when I give you the signal, you whisper that lovely little secret of yours into the void!
OZZ: Well wait what's supposed to happen when she does it? Does she get an army of the dead or something?
GWEN: Oh sweet! Ghost army! I gotta pick a good one!
JAY: Listen, listen, I know we’re having fun, but it will be more fun if we take it seriously. The only way this will work is if you actually take it seriously.
She walks away and finds a grave in the distance.
OZZ: Why do we have to do this seriously?
JAY: BECAUSE I LOVE HALLOWEEN AND BEING FREAKED OUT!! OK? Seriously. You have to give your real, darkest secret to the dead. Ok, Gwen? Do you know what you’ll say?
GWEN: [seriously] Yes. I know exactly what I’ll say.
JAY: Your darkest se-
GWEN: Yes. The darkest. [fun] OKHEREWEGO!!!
*OZZ and JAY speak to each other, unheard by GWEN at a distance. They can hear her background chatter throughout.
OZZ: Seriously, though, what do the "legends" say is supposed to happen?
GWEN:(*Distance) Ohhh my God guys I found it.
JAY: I don't know.
GWEN: (*Distance) This is the one: Jawnson. [Laughing] It's even spelled like that too. J-A-W-N-S-O-N. Jawwnson.
GWEN: (*Distance) jjjjaaaawwwwwWWWWWNNNNSSOONNNNBahahahahaha!
OZZ: What do you mean you don't know?
JAY: What? The stories just say "the dead will be summoned".
OZZ: Where did you even hear about this?
JAY: My brother. He heard about it when he went to Japan. I think it was Japan or the east coast, one of those.
GWEN: (*Distance)Oh no way guys. No way... it's "H. Jawnson"... it can't be...
OZZ: You're saying he got this information from the venerable Japanese culture OR he heard about it in Jersey?
OZZ: ...well seems legit.
GWEN: (*Distance) It is! Oh my God guys! It's Harold! His name is Harold! Do you understand what this MEANS!? His name is Harry Jawwwwnson ohmygodyoucan'tmakethisstuffuphahahaha
OZZ: Oh she's loving this.
JAY: Oh sh- it's time! (yelling to Gwen) Alright Gwen! It's time!
GWEN: Alright here we go! Okay, so, I.... Are you two listening to me!? JAY/OZZ: No!
GWEN: Ok, because this is between me and Harry!
OZZ: You’ve got it!
GWEN: Thanks, Mister Mistoffellees!
OZZ: Magical!.. Magical...
*Gwen is heard "okay, so, I..." is barely audible, and the rest is distant,
clearing her throat
JAY: So what do you think? Hasn't been such a bad idea yeah? She seems to like you. Maybe I'll head back to the party and you two can take a little “stroll” together? OZZ: That’s not a bad idea... Thanks, man.
JAY: Well. They don't call me the Hallo-wing man for nothin'.
OZZ: Alllright that's enou-
*Sudden, loud, startling crow: JAY: WHHAAaaat the hell!
OZZ: OH geeeez- Wow you are royally spyooked tonight ...Hey where is she? Gwennnnnnn? ......Did old Jawwwnson getcha?
*Footsteps grow distant as Ozzie walks to where she was. OZZ: Gwen? *Walking the area*
JAY: Better check the trees next.
OZZ: (chuckles) Gwen? .......Hellooo?
OZZ: Dude she's not here. Did she just leave without us?
JAY completely serious: Oh my God, ya.. She just disappeared. No, seriously, I’m really freaked out now. There’s no way... she was just there.. There’s no way she could possibly be HIDING IN THE BUSHES!!!
OZZ: Jay. You have to take this seriously. Come on.
JAY: She's obviously HIIIIDIIIINNG. AAAAGAAAIIN. Fool me once, Gwennie the Pooh-
OZZ: Jay I don't think so, we turned around for one second and then she was just gone. How does that happen?
JAY: Well, uhhh, it's DARK and we can't SEE HER. She did it the same way she did it earlier... HaLlOwEeN mAgiiiiIIiiiC... and her bicycle. *Starts to walk back, his voice getting more distant* Come on. ......Come on! She's hiding in the first shrub we come across, obviously. Either that or she's leading a ghost army back to the party as we speak! Let’s gooo!
*They both shuffle away into the distance,
*transitioning into the next scene right outside the party house.
*Outside leading back into the party house. The boys step back onto the porch.
OZZ: Okay. So? Where is she Jay? I didn't see her the entire way but you said we would-
JAY: Dude will you chill out, why are you suddenly blaming me? I was an excellent wingman moments ago, so let’s keep that opinion going. She's obviously in the house, and if she's not there then she obviously went home. Maybe we were wrong and she doesn't like you as much as we thought.
OZZ: (stings) Yeah- "obviously". JAY: What?
OZZ: You keep saying obviously. Obviously. Everything's so obvious to you. It's all under control and you're cool and calm and you're not worried about anything or anyone. Halloween's your fAvOrItE NiGhT and you're not scared of aaanyything. That's why you're dressed as freakin' Dwayne The Rock Johnson, from JUMANJI, to prove how freakin' tough you are. You're a white beanpole, Jay. And nobody even remembers his costume from that movie they just think you're lanky Steve Irwin.
JAY: I disagree.
OZZ: You're so fearless, but I didn’t see you jump at the chance to do your stupid ritual. And NOW, somebody that I care about, somebody that I'm, yes, WORRIED about is missing. At least I can admit I worry about others / I can admit-
JAY: Ssshut up.
OZZ: No you shut up-
JAY: No shut- I'm saying be quiet... I don't hear anything from the house.
*Silence from the house.
OZZ: We were only gone a few minutes. Did everyone leave?
JAY: No. Their cars are all still here.
*They open the door. It creaks open into a large, empty room. Silence.
JAY: (speaking to the now empty room) .................was it a problem with social distancing?
*They step inside and the creaking of the floorboards welcome them as the door latches behind them with an echo.
OZZ: Gwen? Are you here?
JAY: *clicking the light off and on* Wow. Good one, Gwen! Did you guys flip the breaker or go all out and straight up cut the power? You should've moved your cars if you wanted this to be believable.
OZZ: *whisper* They’re probably all upstairs... I’m gonna go scare them. Do you have a flashlight?
JAY: *whisper* Yeah, I love it! I'll try to find one- or actually just use your phone.
OZZ: *whisper* Nah I left mine in the car, don't worry about it I can kinda see. They’ll see me comin, anyway. No flashlight’s better. You keep talking.
*Ozzie creeks his way up the stairs to the second floor. We follow Jay who continues to very quietly talk and laugh halfheartedly to himself to keep from freaking out. All the while the doors
he opens and the rooms he enters creak and thud uncannily before his steps. He searches the downstairs as thoroughly as he can.
JAY: .....this is ridiculous............ i mean was the party not good enough people?............... ughh c’mon... yes I get it- I GET IT. I’m guessing Gwen put you all up to this. ......Alright. You win Gwen! (nervous chuckles throughout) You are the Night!! ..........(sigh) and if I were the Night where oh where would I hide.... Of course... it would inevitably be the last door I CHECK!
* , but exhales with a sigh that signals he’s found no one..... And then, slowly, slowly, slowly... sways open. Jay slowly turns to look. Nothing yet to be seen, he slowly approaches the threshold. Silence.
*Immediately a silence-shattering thud from the second floor that causes Jay’s knees to buckle.
JAY: What the hell are you doing up there Ozzy?-
OZZ: It wasn’t me.
*Ozzie’s response, in 3D, from behind Jay sends Jay reeling against the wall in a slur of vocal overflow. Ozzie claps his hand over Jay’s mouth and speaks nearly silently into Jay’s ear.
OZZ: *whispers* I don’t know what that was but it wasn’t anyone from the party I was just up there and I saw absolutely no one. i may have missed a closet or something but there’s no way in hell 30 drunk people are hiding in the few places we might not have checked-
*a noise from above
*The thumping from above begins again. Not the thumping of feet. Something else. Erratic. Irregular. Without discernible rhythm or pace. First in one place,
JAY: It’s right. There. What the hell is / it?
OZZ: I have no idea... there isn’t anyone there. JAY: (all but silently) ......ozzie.
Jay swings open the last door, then in a completely different place.
Slow. Fast. Floor. Wall. Ceiling. Thumping. Then tapping. If you could call it tapping.
Tapping closer. Tapping now down the stairs as they realize it’s now entered the same room.
They see nothing, but hear everything. It’s almost as if every sharp rap of the wood is taking
from where they stand. Silence. The panicked breathing of the two boys audible throughout.
place from beneath each step. From beneath the stairs. It reaches the main floor a few yards
right through them and beyond.
OZZ: Jay, run.
*The moment their
*They stop dead.
OZZ: Gwen. *A shaking/pounding from the kitchen. GWEN: Ozzie! *Ozzie makes for the noise.
in an earsplitting cacophony that seemingly passses
explosion of turbulence heading with malicious speed and force
Tapping and thumping now join together
A slamming from the kitchen
, and then silence once more.
| footsteps begin toward the door, | a voice breaks out from the Kitchen
JAY: What are you doing?
OZZ: Are you deaf?! Help me!!
JAY: With what??
OZZ: She is under. The kitchen. Floor. HELP ME.
JAY: Ozzie there is a latch, a rug, and a table on top of that cellar. HOW could she be / down there-
OZZ: Just HELP ME or LEAVE!!!
OZZ: Got it!
*The shaking ends abruptly. Silence. Breathing.... The hatch. creaks. open. *Darkness.
GWEN: (quietly, tremulously) Ozzie help me.
GWEN: I told him... I told him what I did... I told him...
OZZ: Who? Who did you tell, where are you? Give me your phone gimme some light!
...Jay exhales greatly and begins moving the table with Ozzie
The shaking/pounding of the
cellar door continues throughout the scuffle of removing and unlatching. Ozzie unlatches the
*Ozzie grabs Jay’s phone.
GWEN: I told him... I let him have it, and he took it... he took me...
OZZ: Who? Where is he? Hand me that kitchen knife- JAY: We should call 911-
OZZ: Jay give me the damn knife!!
JAY: No you’re not stabbing anyone because of a prank!!
*Ozz walks over and grabs the knife.
JAY: Call the police man.
*Ozzie starts down the broken, wooden stairs.
JAY: Call them! Or gimme the phone and I’ll do it!! OZZ: It’s okay Gwen, I can see you, it’s okay. GWEN: He says he needs yours now-
OZZ: Noo nonono it’s okay-
GWEN: He needs it-
OZZ: There’s no one else down here- GWEN: He’ll take it-
*Phone battery shutting down sound. Tingtingtinting.
GWEN: (an inhale of breath. Whispered) It’s his now.
*The knife clangs with a pitiful thud on the dark concrete. Silence.
JAY: (deadly serious) Ozzie. ...........Ozz enough!! .........(nervous laughter to himself) I’m not doing this. I’m not do- I’m not doing it- I’m not DOING THIS!!!!
JAY: (exiting, angry, terrified) I already told you I GETTTTT IIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I COME BACK!!!!!
*Opens and slams the door. Silence. Silence.
*The audience stays stationary by the cellar in the kitchen as Jay has had enough and rushes to
the front door. He gets further away from us as he leaves.
JAY: Fine you win, you win, YOU WIN, you win Ozz, YOU WIN EVERYONE! (Laughing) YOUUU WIIN GWENN!! You are the NIGHT!!!! And I am nothing but AFRAAAIIIIDDDD!!! Yeah?? Is that what you wanna hear?- Welllll now I’ll face the darkness *He stomps into the cellar and the audience latches onto him, hearing as he hears.* ‘cause that’s what you all want right, and that’s the onnnly way to move on with the night. So here I am! I’m right down here with you in the PITCH BLACK! Pretty funny, ol’ Jay at his wits end, yeah?? PRETTY FUNNY, YEAH???!!!!! PRETTTYYYY FUNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! **SLAM. The cellar door shuts him in.
JAY: (voicelessly laughing to himself in the dark) ....ohhhh.... yeah. pretty funny.
*He breathes. We hear him push a time or two on the door, hoping it will open. It won’t.
JAY: (quietly) Ozz. Gwen. Can this just be over now?
GWEN: (emotionless) Tell us.
JAY: ...tell you what? I’ve already told you I’m afraid.
OZZ: (emotionless) We know that. Now tell us your secret.
JAY: ...what secret?
GWEN: The one you must never tell.
OZZ: The one you will take to your grave.
GWEN: The truth.
GWEN/OZZ: Your truth.
*First Gwen, then Ozz... then other from the dark, one by one building a circle
The door reopens, quickly, Jay rushes in getting closer to us as he makes his way toward the
. Jay begins losing control of his surrounding him on all sides in 3D in the darkness voices emerge breathing.
THEM, ONE BY ONE: Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Tell usTell usTell usTellusTellus. *The voices end abruptly. Silence.
ALL: (On him completely, all around him) TELL US. END