EarWyrm
EarWyrm
How to Befriend a Spider
CONTENT WARNING: This episode includes mild language and intense moments for individuals with arachnophobia.
Arachnophobia, meet anthropophobia.
Phoebe has horrific arachnophobia with a dark secret and her worst nightmare is blocking her way out.
Performed by Lily Yasuda, Rina Hoshino
Additional voices by Andrew Alburger, Aly Wepplo, and Chris Carwithen
Music by Tess Makena
Co-editing by Cherron Arens
Written and Produced by Matt Musgrove
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A scream from behind a door. Heart beats. Agitated breathing.
PHOEBE
No no no, oh please no please.
Dad?! DAD?!
(stuttered inhale)
breathe --
Spider moves.
PHOEBE
(whimpered cry)
No stop don't NO!
She tries to breathe. A buzzing of a fly in binaural
recording.
FLY HOST
I'm a pretty logical guy -- and I
don't have too many irrational
fears. But when it comes to spiders
I really have to convince myself
they're not as dangerous as I may
think.
Another cry from behind the door.
FLY HOST (CONT'D)
I'm Matt Musgrove the producer of
EarWyrm, currently as a fly, and in
this episode we'll explore why it's
important to keep our minds
empathetic and our fears in check,
to better our lives and others.
PHOEBE
Dad!? Dad!?
FLY HOST
This is: How To Befriend a Spider.
PHOEBE
(hopelessly calling out)
Dad.
(heavy breathing, trying
to swallow)
Okay. Okay. It's just a bug --
She whines and retreats to her bed.
PHOEBE
(whispers)
Dad. I need help -- Dad, please.
2.
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
I can help.
(long beat)
Your Dad left to go to the store.
I saw his car leave.
Phoebe exhales with disbelief.
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
Hello? You there? Hola...
salutations, wazzup, I'm Charlotte!
What's you're name? --
Siri sound: beepbeep.
PHOEBE
(to siri)
Call Dad.
SIRI
(speaker-phone)
Calling Dad.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, it's okay, you don't need to be
afraid -- I left my knife at home.
PHOEBE
(serious)
What?
CHARLOTTE
Just a spider joke. Spider's don't
have knives...yet -- another spider
joke.
VOICEMAIL
(speaker-phone)
Your call has been forwarded to an
automated voice messaging system --
DAD VOICEMAIL RECORDING
(awkwardly peppy)
Hey you've reached ma voicemail.
Please leave a message after the
tone --
VOICEMAIL
-- is not available. At the tone
please record your message.
PHOEBE
Dad? Damnit. Come on.
3.
VOICEMAIL (CONT'D)
When you've finished recording you
may hang up, or press one for more
options.
Beep.
PHOEBE
Dad it's Pheobe. Where are you? I
need you to come home right now.
You need to kill a spider. It's
literally by my bedroom door and I
can't leave. I dropped my glasses --
and -- I'm probably having a mental
breakdown --
CHARLOTTE
Ohhh okay -- Phoebe -- looks like
you need to work some things out.
I'll be under the dresser if you
need me.
PHOEBE
And um -- I --
VOICEMAIL
Your message has been sent.
PHOEBE
Shit.
VOICEMAIL
Goodbye.
Long beat.
CHARLOTTE
(behind the dresser)
Now if I had a grenade or a
bazooka, THAT would warrant extreme
terror. And who uses voicemail
anymore, it's called a text.
Helloo.
Frantic tapping of texting.
PHOEBE
(breathing to herself)
Okay, you're hearing voices. This
is an anthropomorphic response to a
rational fear.
Boop. Text sends.
4.
CHARLOTTE
(behind the dresser)
Pff rational...
PHOEBE
(to herself)
My brain is protecting me.
CHARLOTTE
(behind the dresser)
Well whether you're losing your
mind or psychic, let's talk!
PHOEBE
No. Go away -- or die. I'm good
with either.
CHARLOTTE
(behind the dresser)
Whoa, so that's how it is. Psh --
you don't know me --
(mumbling/trailing off)
What I do... the value of my life?
That's some bipedal b.s.
She hits her head.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
Ow. Freaking shelf!
CHARLOTTE
You okay?
PHOEBE
I can't see anything.
CHARLOTTE
You need glasses.
PHOEBE
I have glasses - I - they fell off
when I jumped on the bed, and --
(irate) no, nope -- I'm not talking
to you. You're just a freaky --
FREAK bug -- ok I can just DO THIS!
Get the freaking glasses, Pheobe!
Phoebe barrels towards Charlotte.
PHOEBE
(crazed)
AHHH!
5.
She shoves the dresser against the wall.
CHARLOTTE
(terrified)
AHHH!
Phoebe goes back to the bed. Glasses nervously clicking as
she fumbles them on her face.
PHOEBE
(nervously breathing)
Okay.
(beat)
Where are you, you little spawn of
Satan? Hm?
(beat)
Are you still under the dresser? I
have a fly swatter and I'm not
afraid to use it.
Beat.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, wait. Are you talking to me?
You want to know where I am? Oh
sorry-sorry, for a minute there I
thought a dresser almost crushed me
by an irrational human.
My mistake.
(beat)
You scratched the paint on the wall
by the way.
PHOEBE
I'm not irrational. Everyone's
afraid of spiders.
CHARLOTTE
Even your Dad?
PHOEBE
Both my parents.
CHARLOTTE
Ah -- runs in the family. Mom and
Dad scream at spider, child does
same. Monkey see, monkey scream.
PHOEBE
No it's like -- a genetic thing or
something -- we evolved to hate
you.
6.
CHARLOTTE
Or conditioned. Don't underestimate
the power of culture.
How do you know it's genetic?
(through teeth)
Is it a primate thing? It's a
primate thing.
PHOEBE
I don't know, it could be genetic
and also a cultural thing. We're
programmed. I've done my research,
okay. In like the Middle Ages, for
centuries, spiders -- we thought,
poisoned and contaminated food, and
water, brought the Plague -- but
then it wasn't true, it was like
rat-fleas --
CHARLOTTE
Really. Those assholes.
PHOEBE
And illnesses they didn't know
about, AND Tarantism hysteria,
which is dancing caused by a spider
bite -- so now I have to deal with
hundreds of years of ingrained
bullshit my ancestors jacked up.
CHARLOTTE
Eloquently put. I'm surprised you
researched that -- being an
arachnophobe.
PHOEBE
No, that's the thing. I don't want
to be. I hate being scared. That's
why I read up about it. It's really
messed up my life.
(beat)
Like --
(beat)
I've been in like -- three spider
related car accidents.
Echoed flashback.
PHOEBE MEMORY
(echoed)
What's that? I just saw something
crawl under the seat.
7.
DAD MEMORY
(echoed)
Under the seat? -- WATCH IT!
CRASH. End memory.
CHARLOTTE
Whoa, that bad huh?
PHOEBE
Yeah. Really bad.
-- I've even lost relationships.
CHARLOTTE
You have not. Because of me?
PHOEBE
Yeah -- Well, not you specifically,
but yeah, I've --
(beat)
I've lost relationships...
Overlapping dialogue. Transitioning to different locations.
BOYFRIEND MEMORY
(echoed)
No, stop saying that --
PHOEBE MEMORY
(echoed)
Then what is it?
BOYFRIEND MEMORY
(echoed)
Of course it's not your scar --
okay?
It's -- you're always freaking out,
you're so -- so -- anxious and
insecure it's infuriating!
PHOEBE MEMORY
(echoed)
That's not fair --
GIRLFRIEND MEMORY
(echoed)
No it isn't -- I don't know who I
am, taking care of you.
BOYFRIEND 2 MEMORY
(echoed)
Spending time with you feels like
work.
8.
GIRLFRIEND MEMORY
And I wish it wasn't.
GIRLFRIEND AND BOYDRIEND MEMORY
(echoed)
That's not what a relationship is.
End memory.
PHOEBE
Also -- I spend like a third of my
day lookin under furniture.
CHARLOTTE
For me?
PHOEBE
Yeah.
(beat)
It's just a lot of time and stress
invested into something relatively
harmless.
CHARLOTTE
I'm flattered.
PHOEBE
I hate it. So that's why I look
things up online.
CHARLOTTE
Ah the world-wide web.
PHOEBE
Uh -- yeah, for exposure therapy I
guess -- It's supposed to help.
CHARLOTTE
Well look at you Spidey-girl --
PHOEBE
(serious)
Don't call me that.
Beat.
PHOEBE
Just don't.
Beat.
9.
CHARLOTTE
Okay.
(beat)
Sorry.
Beat.
PHOEBE
I -- uh -- so [swallows] I look at
pictures online, I educate myself
and I power through my fears, aand
- it's tough --
CHARLOTTE
No that's good! Really -- not many
people actually go and do that.
Usually they're more worried about
changing the world than changing
themselves, which changes the
world, so --
(beat)
yaaay bravery.
PHOEBE
Well it's been ruining my life for
a while now -- I have to.
(to herself)
What is going on. I'm really losing
it.
Beat. Phoebe breath quickens.
PHOEBE (CONT'D
(anxious)
Are you still behind the dresser?
No response.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
Talk to me. I'm literally dying
inside not knowing where you are.
CHARLOTTE
(above Phoebe)
Oh good -- for a moment there I
thought it was hypothetical.
PHOEBE
What?
Charlotte descends from the ceiling. The web is the sound of
a stretching metal chord or violin string.
10.
CHARLOTTE
Comin' down and exposure therapy
coming up!
PHOEBE
WAH!
WACK. She goes flying and hits the floor.
Charlotte winces in pain.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
I didn't -- I mean. It just,
happened so fast --
(beat)
Are you hurt?
CHARLOTTE
(serious)
What do you think? You're the one
humanizing spiders.
PHOEBE
Okay just -- back off. I didn't
want this -- I'm the one freaked
out, okay.
CHARLOTTE
Sure. You're suffering, you're
hurt. I'm just drowning in kindness
over here.
(to self)
So typical of "big things." And
after getting a fly swatter to the
face...
PHOEBE
I'm sorry! There.
Beat.
CHARLOTTE
Thank you. -- For saying that.
Really.
It's the first step.
PHOEBE
First step to what?
CHARLOTTE
Becoming my friend.
11.
PHOEBE
Uh -- Oh no, I don't want to be --
you know --
CHARLOTTE
Oh. Okay.
(beat)
Roommates works too.
PHOEBE
No -- that's not --
CHARLOTTE
I don't party, I rarely have
company over I'm not eating. And
you'll know where I am -- all the
time -- I'm on my web like twenty
four seven.
PHOEBE
Wait. Stop.
CHARLOTTE
I'm clean -- well except for my
molting, sorry - might have left a
skeleton around here somewhere.
PHOEBE
No --
OH and no pets, I don't smoke --
Well, are you four-twenty friendly?
PHOEBE
No I -- Spider!
CHARLOTTE
It's Charlotte.
PHOEBE
What part of "I'm disgusted and
terrified of you" don't you
understand?
CHARLOTTE
Terrified? Of what?
PHOEBE
I don't know... you have hairy
legs.
CHARLOTTE
So do you --
12.
PHOEBE
Yeah but you have like a hundred of
them.
CHARLOTTE
Eight. And elephants have an
excessive nose. What do you want
from me?
PHOEBE
It's just -- feels unnatural.
CHARLOTTE
No, the platypus is unnatural and
you've got TEN fingers and a wet
wiggly pink thing in your mouth.
PHOEBE
You're super fast --
CHARLOTTE
Thank you -- we've had many years
of running from you.
PHOEBE
Funny. -- And all those eyes.
CHARLOTTE
All the better to see you with my
dear. No but for real -- if you
were to blindfold any of my eyes,
I'd be a mess. They weren't
designed to freak you out okay. The
world doesn't revolve around you --
PHOEBE
And you eat flies.
CHARLOTTE
So?
PHOEBE
Flies eat poop.
(beat)
CHARLOTTE
Really? We're gonna go there?
PHOEBE
I'm just telling you things I find
gross about you. Don't take it
personally.
13.
CHARLOTTE
Uh huh. Well you're really making
it difficult.
Okay, what did you have for lunch?
PHOEBE
What?
CHARLOTTE
What'd you have for lunch?
PHOEBE
Not bugs if that's --
CHARLOTTE
No just -- what did you eat?
PHOEBE
Mac and cheese with sliced hot
dogs.
CHARLOTTE
Ha. Are you kidding me? Hot dogs? I
mean I'm all about liquefying my
meals and wrapping them in casing --
but intestinal lining filled with
eyeballs and butt parts -- over
breast milk noodles. Yep.
PHOEBE
Okay okay, gross, I get your point.
CHARLOTTE
That's a — whole other level of
nasty. I'm eating fresh bugs over
here while you're into corn-syrup -
butt wiener nuggets.
PHOEBE
I get it! How do you know all this?
CHARLOTTE
Because I'm psychic.
PHOEBE
Or I'm projecting.
CHARLOTTE
Or you're avoiding the subject.
PHOEBE
What do you want me to say? I don't
eat bugs, alright.
14.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah you do. You eat like -- what
are those weird looking scorpion
shrimp -- crawdads -- you eat
crawdads. Crustaceans. Scavengers.
Lobsters. Crabs -- you know -- the
giant water cockroaches with claws?
(beat)
They eat dead things, just like
flies -- and don't even get me
started on Fungi.
PHOEBE
For your information, I don't eat
seafood.
CHARLOTTE
I was talking culturally,
cuuuulturally -- but, whatever. I
really don't care what you eat.
You're just really ridin' my
abdomen on this one.
And just so you know, our
compatibility is through the roof.
We're symbiotic. I could make this
place a "no-fly zone" for you if
you wanted.
PHOEBE
Cute.
CHARLOTTE
(beat)
Thanks, spider-joke -- your diet
argument is moot. Sooo...
(quickly)
Why can't we be friends?
PHOEBE
Because that's not how the world
works. I'm not -- humans aren't
friends with bugs.
CHARLOTTE
(beat)
What about butterflies?
You lose your shit for butterflies.
(mocking)
"Oh! It landed in my eye! Isn't
that cute!"
PHOEBE
Butterflies are different.
15.
CHARLOTTE
Why?
PHOEBE
They're pretty.
CHARLOTTE
(offended)
AH HAH! Now we're getting
somewhere.
PHOEBE
No I -- I didn't -- well, you bite
people okay.
CHARLOTTE
(defeated)
Eighty percent of our bites are
misdiagnosed and... No, nope. I
know what humans think of me, I
just -- it hurts to hear it out
loud. I've always struggled with
the way I look.
PHOEBE
This is ridiculous. What the hell
is going on?
CHARLOTTE
(stopping her from
interrupting)
Hupbupbupbupbup. This has been a
long time comin'. A spider's
lament: chapter one.
(breath)
Hollywood brands me as one of the
most terrifying things on this
friggin' planet. Eight-legged
Freaks, Arachnaphobia, Shelob,
Aragog, Little Miss Muffet for
god's sake -- the list goes on. I'm
powerless against the power of the
consumer. Right? Right. Would you
defend spider rights in court? Hell
no.
(beat)
And I'M certainly not the
"spokespider" for my species. I'm
an anxious arachnid. An introverted
invertebrate.
(long beat)
An edgy eight-legged arthropod --
16.
PHOEBE
Okay okay --
CHARLOTTE
I have no voice! -- and if I don't
matter...people will just keep
seeing me as another evil, violent,
nuisance to society. Even if I
changed a few minds, Hollywood
would just make another big scary
movie enabling the audience to say,
"oh good, now I don't feel bad
about squishing and stomping." And
when money is to be made... Bam.
Stereotyped. It's always an uphill
battle with your superficial
species.
PHOEBE
You done?
CHARLOTTE
(beat)
NO! YOU decided we were the bad
guys because of the way we look.
Caterpillars can hide behind their
butterfly wings. No matter how
beautiful I make my web -- it's how
I look.
(beat)
Maybe if I wore makeup or a costume
to look like you. Like a fairy.
Yeah - then maybe then you could
see me for who I am. If I was like
a badass fairy huntress. Tinkerbell
with a net over my shoulder
carrying a bug I just caught with
my little elvish poison daggers
that magically can't pierce human
skin, only my dinner, THEN you'd
probably wave to me and show me off
to your friends saying, "Check out
my little fairy friend! She keeps
my room clean and safe from other
bugs." You'd be all over that jazz.
If. I. Looked. Like. You.
But I don't. And I shouldn't.
(beat)
I shouldn't want to look like you.
I should be proud and happy with
who I am and the way I look.
(beat)
17.
Just (sigh) be careful. If your
culture screams and kills spiders
as if it's normal, that fear you're
trying to shake, will be embedded
for-ev-er.
PHOEBE
You're just a spider.
CHARLOTTE
Woof -- I'm trying to smooth over
thousands of years of spider
oppression with one immature girl.
PHOEBE
Excuse me? I've had a traumatic
incident with your kind.
Beat.
CHARLOTTE
Can I ask what happened?
PHOEBE
(reluctant)
I guess -- sure. I was seven years
old watching Saturday morning
cartoons. My dad was in the kitchen
boiling a teapot -- and a jumping
spider crawled into my ear.
(shudder)
I'll never forget that feeling. I
could hear it. I screamed. Dad came
running.
DAD MEMORY
PHEOBE WHAT'S THE MATTER!?
PHOEBE
I wish he had handled it better.
DAD MEMORY
(calming)
Hey hey -- it's okay. Look at me.
Turn your head.
(beat)
I know, this is pretty scary huh.
But you're okay. You're not going
to get hurt you're not in any
danger. It's just a little --
little tiny bug okay? It's just
scared, like you. It'll come out.
Trust me okay?
18.
I'm going to get the phone in the
kitchen, I'll be right back.
She whimpers.
PHOEBE
But that's not what happened. Like
I said -- it runs in the family.
DAD
(panicked)
OH MY GOD -- OH MY GOD! PHEOBE
DON'T MOVE. Shit. What do I do?
Sweetie tilt your head. TILT YOUR
HEAD. Damnit, I can't get it.
She's breathing hard. He goes to the kitchen and dials.
DAD MEMORY
Yes. Hello? Yeah, my kid has a
spider in her ear. What do I do?
It's not going to poison her or
something, right?
PHOEBE
He went to call a nurse. I --
couldn't take it. It was moving
around, like some kind of horror
movie. I kept thinking about what
the boys at school said about --
you know, spiders laying eggs in
your brain, which I know is untrue
now but...at seven.
(beat)
I heard the teapot screaming aand --
it was the only thing I could think
of.
DAD MEMORY
PHEOBE NO!
PHOEBE
I lost all hearing in my right ear
and scalds everywhere. I went into
shock, ER, everything. Just a
freak's accident - freak accident.
(beat)
And they even --
(scoffs)
They found the jumping spider on
the couch. Apparently it came out
before --
(beat)
Yep, so spider trauma exhibit A.
19.
(to Charlotte)
You can say something if you want.
I know I'm a "buzzkill."
BOTH
(dryly)
Spider joke.
CHARLOTTE
I don't now what to say. Thank you
for opening up.
If it's any comfort, I can barley
see it -- the scar.
PHOEBE
Literally half my face is
destroyed.
CHARLOTTE
Nono -- I believe you. I mean, I
can barley see it -- I have
horrible eyesight. Most of us do.
PHOEBE
Oh.
CHARLOTTE
Ain't no jumpin' spider here. Their
eyesight's amazing. I guess that's
what I'm getting at, I'm not the
spider that did that to you. I make
webs. And I'm not trying to sound
cold. I understand -- as organisms,
we're all putting things in
categories. But at some point,
after a breakup, you gotta start
dating again and -- even eat the
food that gave you food poisoning.
PHOEBE
I guess.
CHARLOTTE
So then maybe we can't be friends
yet, but how about just not mortal
enemies?
PHOEBE
What do you mean?
CHARLOTTE
Like, seriously, when have I tried
to kill you?
20.
PHOEBE
Probably all the time. Definitely
when I'm asleep I've been bit a
bunch of times --
CHARLOTTE
Well --
PHOEBE
Yeah I know. I've heard it's most
likely another bug. Bedbugs, mites,
mosquitos --
CHARLOTTE
Yeah mosquitoes -- WHOA can we just
take a second to agree they kill
EVERYONE. Like THE deadliest
creature to humans. And you don't
scream at them...so weird. And
spiders don't kill like, anyone.
My teeth are clean. I'm not
carrying any malaria or yellow
fever or -- or ZIKA. I'm healthier
than a cat scratch after pooping in
kitty litter.
PHOEBE
Gross.
CHARLOTTE
What do you think, we're like:
HAHAHA bow before the all evil.
Tremble before my hairiness.
AHAHAHA I will eat you...and run
around, really fast and -- and
wiggle my legs in a weird way! Here
I go across the floor. Hahahaha --
(pause...then)
Here I go again AhHAHAHAA. Now that
I have thoroughly destroyed your
psyche I'm going back to my evil
lair to just -- ya know, sit around
for most of the day. Yes hehe.
Sit around.
PHOEBE
You absolutely would go around
killing and eating everyone.
21.
CHARLOTTE
No, that's what you do. You're
putting human thoughts into a
different species. I eat everything
I catch. You make food and most of
the time don't even eat it. I'm not
evil, I'm just hungry. Ahh the
beautiful romanticism of fear. I
mean be careful around Widows and
Recluses but you don't need to
scream every time you see one. Help
the old lady across the street but
don't get in the sketchy van. Get
it?
PHOEBE
I heard there's a spider always 10
feet away from a human.
CHARLOTTE
Wow, that's a lot of people.
PHOEBE
No that's a lot of spiders. There
aren't sketchy vans ten feet away
from every human! Here, I'm gonna
look something up. Hey Siri.
Siri's Boop Boop.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
How many spiders are on Earth
compared to humans?
SIRI
Ok. I found this on the web for how
many spiders are on Earth compared
to humans
CHARLOTTE
Ooooh... the web again, so cool --
Why is she Australian?
PHOEBE
I don't know if this is the site to
go to but...okay, there are 25
million tons of spiders and 7.8
billion people.
CHARLOTTE
Tons, huh? How many tons of humans?
Clicking on phone.
22.
PHOEBE
Okay...A human, on average, is 137
pounds, so... 137 times 7.8 Billion
is... one trillion, sixty-eight
billion and six hundred million
pounds, which converted into tons
is... two thousand pounds per ton,
so... wow, hello math.
CHARLOTTE
Technically, Siri is doing it for
ya.
PHOEBE
Shut up.
CHARLOTTE
Otay.
PHOEBE
Uh, ok it's five hundred and thirty
four million, three hundred
thousand tons.
CHARLOTTE
So about half a billion?
PHOEBE
Yup.
CHARLOTTE
So is that more than twenty five
million spider tons?
PHOEBE
(annoyed)
Ok, I get it.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, oh... you do? I'm sorry, so
what does that mean?
PHOEBE
(reluctant)
That there are more humans in mass
than spiders, which means...I don't
know, spiders should be more afraid
of us...
CHARLOTTE
And we are. Trust me.
We friends now?
23.
PHOEBE
My therapist says there's only two
species of spider that are of any
concern in the United States.
CHARLOTTE
Like, deadly?
PHOEBE
No, not really.
CHARLOTTE
There ya go. Just don't put any of
those two in your ear and you'll be
fine -- sorry. Too soon.
PHOEBE
Yes.
CHARLOTTE
I know you understand irrational
fear and irrational thoughts. I
mean, talking to a spider might not
be the pinnacle of sanity...but
you're working it out!
-- Why we run up the stairs when
the lights are out, why hiding
under the covers will protect us
from demons. You're asking
questions, which is awesome --
eight thumbs way up if I had 'em.
Fear shouldn't be the default,
curiosity should be. Sure, fear has
it's uses -- it can keep us safe.
But it also, as with your case,
hinders relationships, work, and
day to day life. So learning about
the things we fear is the best step
forward. To look at a spider and
say, "Oh, hello there." Instead of,
"Oh hell no there."
(beat)
Get what I'm spinnin' here?
PHOEBE
Yeah okay, but knowing I have
irrational thoughts doesn't help me
get over it.
CHARLOTTE
I disagree. Awareness,
conditioning, exposure -- everyday
will add up in a big way.
24.
Before you know it you'll be
reading a book in your backyard,
glance up, see me, and shrug it
off. Who knows, you might even find
me -- beautiful, dare I say a
hottie -- not a spider joke.
Phoebe approaches Charlotte to pick her up.
PHOEBE
(sighs)
Okay...
CHARLOTTE
What?
PHOEBE
I'll try it.
CHARLOTTE
Try what? Wait, no way. You don't
have to do it now, like Ohmygod,
give it some time.
PHOEBE
No, no. I've -- trust me I've given
it my whole life.
CHARLOTTE
(beat)
Okay -- if you're coming my way
just remember -- um -- fact --
(beat)
You're massive. Absolutely colossal
in comparison to me. I'm no larger
than a cracker and/or walnut. I'm
just your friendly household
spiderfriend. Um. Wait, Are you --
how're you feeling?
PHOEBE
(torn)
I don't know -- scared.
CHARLOTTE
Ok. Good. I'm terrified.
(under her breath)
Please don't kill me.
PHOEBE
That would be the easy way --
Okay, I'm a little closer.
25.
PHOEBE
Okay --
PHOEBE
Okay -- I'm -- you need to know I
have -- I'm using the fly swatter?
CHARLOTTE
Oh okay -- like... for what?
PHOEBE
I don't know yet.
CHARLOTTE
Ok. You can do this. Feel the new
connections firing in your brain.
You're not going to die, I'm not
going to kill you. Vending machines
are the enemy. I'm a fraction of
your size. You're doing great.
Wow, you're real big and real
close.
PHOEBE
Uh huh.
CHARLOTTE
Okay.
(beat)
I'm ready.
(long beat)
Phoebe?
Beat.
CHARLOTTE
Whoa! Hey! Oh... is that -- is that
uh -- something I can walk on?
PHOEBE
Yes -- holy shit -- please do it
quick -- I mean, not too quick -- I
couldn't handle you moving like
that.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah oh oh I understand.
PHOEBE
Okay.
26.
CHARLOTTE
(nervous humorous voice)
All aboard captain.
Both have super nervous laughter.
PHEOBE
AH!
CHARLOTTE
AH!
PHOEBE
You moved!
CHARLOTTE
I moved cause you moved! You
dropped me. Okay okay, there that
wasn't so bad.
PHOEBE
Okay this time don't move.
CHARLOTTE
I'm a spider, I don't know what's
going on.
DAD
(distant)
Phoebe!
Running up stairs, then the door opens.
PHOEBE
DAD? DAD WAIT!
STOMPCRUNCH
DAD
Got it. Everything's okay. I'm
sorry, I just got your message. I
left my phone in the car. You okay?
CHARLOTTE
Am I dead? I'm an angel! With my
little spidey wings -- oh wait. God
doesn't give souls to spiders.
DAD
There's another one on your fly
swatter!
PHOEBE
WAIT don't.
27.
She walks to the window.
PHOEBE
Here Charlotte. You can step on the
window sill.
(beat)
Okay, fine. Friends. Get out of
here.
Beat.
DAD
Sweetheart. You okay?
PHOEBE
Yeah, I -- need some time to
process.
DAD
Yeah two spiders in one day.
PHOEBE
That wasn't a spider. You stepped
on an exoskeleton. She -- molted.
DAD
Why'd you tell me to stop?
PHOEBE
I don't know.
DAD
(beat)
You hate spiders.
PHOEBE
I just -- I -- hated the way they
look, I guess.
DAD
You feeling okay?
(beat)
I mean I'm proud you're talking
this through though.
PHOEBE
Dad. I'm hearing voices and need to
call my therapist.
DAD
(shocked)
Okay. Well -- we'll make an
appointment then.
(beat)
28.
You know you can always talk about
these things to me right?
PHOEBE
Yeah -- I'm going to be doing a lot
more of that.
End music and credits.
